


state of mind

by never_bloom_again



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Episode: s02e15 Revelations, Gen, Hotch needs a hug, Hurt Aaron Hotchner, Insecure Aaron Hotchner, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:54:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26121502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/never_bloom_again/pseuds/never_bloom_again
Summary: narcissist. bully. drill sergeant. trusts men more than women.that was how the team saw aaron hotchner. the team that aaron clearly wasn't a wanted part of.OR a post revelations look into hotch and his journey to becoming a part of the team.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner & The BAU Team
Comments: 76
Kudos: 126





	1. reid.

**Author's Note:**

> hello! welcome to my new fic! this will be a 6 part fic basically looking at hotch, and how he thinks the team sees him. this is very much about him finding his place as a part of the team, rather than just as their boss.
> 
> title is from state of mind by the faim, which this fic is vaguely inspired by.

_ He’s a classic narcissist. _

It had never been something he had been overly concerned with - matters of the ego were a waste of time. Time spent worrying about the details of one’s place in society, concerned with just how far up the hierarchy they existed could be much better spent actually making an impact, possibly even bettering oneself in the process. 

But he did care about his image. He cared about being a leader, someone who had strength, someone who never showed his moments of weakness because the moment people smelt fear, sadness or pain, it was like blood in an ocean, sharks would quickly be circling, ready for a takedown.

That didn’t make him a narcissist, did it? Hotch had never seen it that way, and knew enough about narcissistic personality disorder, had encountered enough people with it to be aware he didn’t suffer from it, but maybe it didn’t seem that way. 

Maybe to an outsider it seemed that way. Maybe he seemed that self-centered, that vain, that even the people he considered himself to be closest to saw him that way. It may make sense if it were a stranger, a casual acquaintance, someone who he didn’t spend day after day working with, often almost living with.

He certainly fit some of the boxes, from a certain perspective. He could be seen as having little to no empathy - all that had happened with Elle made that perfectly clear. Had he been more understanding, less ignorant to all that she was feeling, to how much she was clearly suffering, then maybe she would still be with the team.

Self-centered. Hotch could also see that one. He prioritised his work, something that gave him purpose, over his family, who he loved, and who wanted him around. He would feel guilty if he wasn’t working, wasn’t catching the worst of humanity, so he chose to do that, despite the anger and unhappiness it caused his family.

Many would also say that he was entitled or believed himself to be superior to everything - including the rules. That was not true, at least not beyond what was visible to the eye. Hotch knew himself to be inferior to a lot of things, of people. He knew many of his team, even, were really superior in terms of their own skills. His tendency to turn a blind eye to the rules was not borne out of an ill advised belief of superiority, no, he placed the lives of the victims, of his team as more valuable than bureaucracy, as more important than politics, or how something looked.

Hotch knew, without a doubt he wasn’t a narcissist, but his team, his friends, his family? Well they clearly thought he was - and not just Reid. The way that they all told him that no, it wasn’t a message, that it would just be the choice? 

They all believed it.

And what use was he as the leader of the team, when they all saw him as some self-important bastard who couldn’t care less about any of them?


	2. jareau.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed! i hope to get the next chapter out sooner, but im a bit unwell at the moment, so no promises.

_ You’re a bully. _

Hotch had always taken the role of the protector - for as long as he could remember, he did his best to protect the people he loved. When he was a child, it had first been his vain attempts to save his mother, to stop her from continuing to be victim to the abuse he suffered daily. It was then protecting Sean from the truth about his father, even though he was filled with so much anger that he was the one that his mother decided to save. Not Aaron.

But then between Haley, Jack, his teammates, the victims they fought for, he could not remember a time in his life where he wasn’t doing his best to protect someone, even if it didn’t feel enough, even if it wasn’t enough. Even though regardless of Hotch doing his best, he seemed to fail every time.

Despite his constantly growing long list of people that he had failed to protect, Hotch had always been proud of being a protector - it was one thing that people usually liked about him, even if they detested everything else about him, as many did.

So as such, the whole idea of being a bully was foreign to Hotch - he knew what it looked like from the outside, even to be the one on the receiving end, but never once had he done anything that he would consider making himself worthy of the title of “bully.”

Hotch would acknowledge that yes, he could be harsh and strict, yes, he liked control and respect. But the intent of ruining someone, of breaking them, he never had that, barring when he faced an unsub, the perpetrator of a cruel, reasonless crime. Hotch only pushed people to the point he could see would be beneficial to them, to the point where they would be achieving their best. Maybe that was bullying, and he had just… dismissed it as appropriate behaviour?

Because here he was, faced with a teammate, a friend, someone whose respect he greatly valued, being called a bully. His mind dragged back to the narcissist comment. He had prided himself so highly on not being a bully, on being a protector instead, but apparently he had just been deluding himself, fueling his ego to the point he could no longer see himself anywhere near like that the team saw.

So maybe he was a narcissist, even if not in the full psychological sense, because that would be the only way he could have missed that he had been a bully to the people he valued most for years, that they saw him to be no different to the people they hunted - just ruining people’s lives.

A bully - no wonder he wasn’t good enough for his mother to save. A bully - no wonder his brother never talked to him. A bully - no wonder the team didn’t ever want him around. No one likes bullies.


	3. morgan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoy! this chapter gets a bit,,, idk its just not as flowy, i apologise, i wrote it in like 15 mins

_ You can be a bit of a drill sergeant sometimes. _

This one stung a little less. He wasn’t at all shocked about it, it was just a fact, one he lived with, dealt with, acknowledged the truth of.

That didn’t mean he didn’t already hate himself for it though, didn’t mean that Hotch didn’t occasionally lie awake at night wondering at what point he had gone from being just a good worker, a good boss, to a drill sergeant, a hardass that no one really wanted to be around. He wondered when he had gone from the hot-shot lawyer, turned SWAT team member, turned rising star of the BAU to the stagnant agent he was now, the one known for having a stick up his ass, for being horrible to work for.

He figured it was about the time he stopped being invited each week to go for drinks with the team, when he only received offers to hang out with the team on major occasions, and only then out of common courtesy, not because they actually wanted Hotch there.

But why would they? He was a drill sergeant, he was a bully, he was a narcissist… He wouldn’t be inviting a boss like that out to drinks with everyone else either.

At least it got the work done, he figured. Being a drill sergeant meant that they all worked well, to the best extent they were able to. He would let his social life die, those who he considered family hate him, in the hopes that one day they might realise he wasn’t just doing it to be an asshole, that he was trying to help them. Helping them be what he couldn’t - successes - even if it meant working them like a drill sergeant.

But then he thought back to what they said -  _ you’re a bully _ \- and maybe that wasn’t what he was doing. After all, sometimes the people they hunt think they are doing the right thing and they are the worst of the worst.

Maybe Aaron Hotchner was no better than his father, just using harsh authority and a lack of humour or as they saw it, empathy, to ruin them, and tear them apart instead of a belt or a fist.

He almost laughed at the irony. In all of his attempts not to be his father, to be the best, to succeed, to help everyone around him, he had become him, the person he detested most.

Hotch hated the reality he was coming to face. He knew he was a drill sergeant, but what that entailed? He hadn’t thought of it, never considering the possibility that it was that element of himself that made him like his father, that being a drill sergeant was what he had to be concerned about when he couldn’t think of anything but how he couldn’t become like his dear old dad, not yelling at his son or the likes.

Maybe it was time for Hotch to leave the team.


	4. prentiss.

_ You don’t trust women as much as men. _

Hotch had always thought himself to be good at looking at things objectively, critically analyzing people and situations with as little personal bias as possible.

As a result of that, he had never thought of himself as being a misogynist - he didn’t care about the gender of the person doing the work as long as they were the best for the job.

But maybe that wasn’t as true as he would have liked to believe. Maybe he was much more biased than he thought. Maybe Emily was right, and he didn’t trust men as much as women.

Hotch would be the first to admit it - he didn’t trust Emily Prentiss, at least not to the extent he did the rest of his team. She was new, which was not necessarily a bad thing, but she turned up out of nowhere, and not the Spencer type of nowhere that could be attributed to Gideon and his lack of an ability to communicate with others, the type of nowhere that meant he had no real reason not to be suspicious of her.

But maybe it was because she was a woman. He hadn’t thought of it that way. He would’ve liked to have thought that he would have an equal level of distrust were Emily a man, instead, but how could he be sure?

He tried to think back to each of the new agents that had come in during his time - Derek he had instantly trusted would take to the unit, even if he was well aware the man had a myriad of hidden secrets, JJ he had thought she was the right pick for the job, and Hotch never doubted that, nor did she give him reason to. With Spencer, he was quite wary at first - he looked like he was about 18 years old, and despite his brains, had the experience of someone even younger, but the boy quickly proved himself. Garcia was an interesting case, but he believed in her skills right from the beginning, and that was enough to discard her uniqueness in other aspects from consideration of how much he trusted her. Elle, he had seen her prove herself, and was willing to give her a try.

Maybe it wasn’t significant, but could there be a slight difference in the amount of trust he gave to women and men.

_ Goddamnit, _ Hotch thought,  _ just another reason for Haley to hate me _ .

If he was a misogynist, then Haley had perfect grounding to protest the way he treated her. Asking her to make dinner for a change instead of him when he returned from a long case? Asking her to help with some of the cleaning? 

As Hotch considered it, the truer it became. He was treating Haley like a 1950’s housewife. Just another way he was as bad as his father.

An apology was in order for the women of the team. He could give it with his resignation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope its clear that I don't think that Hotch is treating Haley unfairly, he tries to balance out the work between them, but Haley sometimes forces him to cook/clean when he is exhausted after like a few week long case, which isn't fair to him (i hope that makes sense...)
> 
> your comments and kudos are very appreciated! they are really motivating.
> 
> talk to me on tumblr! @abitcriminalminds


	5. gideon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoy! i can't believe this is already the second last chapter of this fic!

_ Nothing. _

When Emily had spoken, Hotch quickly realised that he needed to cut the team off from insulting him further, even if it was all true, because there were only two left who hadn’t spoken. Garcia, who he knew would never insult him, out of a mix of her friendly demeanor and her wariness of him, being a figure of authority, that she still held, and then Gideon.

Gideon. The man who had been a mentor figure for him since he joined the team, the one who knew more about him than anyone barring maybe Rossi -  _ Thank God he isn’t here anymore to see me failing _ , Hotch thought at the name of his best friend, the first person he had trusted with all his deep secrets.

But Gideon, despite his central role in Hotch’s life, would not hesitate to cut him down with scathing criticisms tossed out in his careless fashion, which would be true, and would cut deeper than anything the rest of the team said, even if from them he knew he had no place in the team.

Because as he was sure the older man knew, Gideon was like a father figure to him. He already knew that the man wouldn’t hesitate to tear him down despite that - Gideon had stopped caring about Hotch the moment that he found his perfect little prodigy, Spencer Reid. Another thing wrong with Hotch. He was envious of Spencer, hated that he had replaced any place Hotch had ever had in Gideon’s heart, even though it wasn’t the boy’s fault at all.

He didn’t need to hear his old mentor tear him down, not only for his own personal failings, but for all the ways he was inferior to his replacement - that he wasn’t smart enough, wasn’t malleable enough, could never be trained to be the perfect profiler.

If Hotch was going to resign, which he was certain he was, for the team’s good, then at least he could leave pretending that he wasn’t a disappointment to Gideon, having never heard it, even though he knew it.

He wanted to believe that he had been good enough for one of his father figures, that he was capable of doing something right, that he didn’t just fail at everything - didn’t fail everyone he loved.

So Hotch cut off the conversation - regardless, his point had been proven, and wasn’t it selfish of him to spend extra time wallowing in his own misery when his team member was stuck, being tortured and drugged. He didn’t deserve it. No matter how much he was occasionally jealous of Spencer, it wasn’t the boy’s fault, and even if it were, he still wouldn’t deserve being kidnapped, killed, tortured, drugged - any of it.

He would find him, and then he would leave - he could write his resignation on the plane home. After all this pain that they were currently suffering, at least it might make them happy to see him leave. He just wanted them to be happy.


	6. hotchner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO did 500 words quickly turn into 2500? yes. but regardless, I hope you enjoy, and like this chapter (dialogue is not my forte, sorry-)

_ I am leaving the team. I will be handing in my resignation when we land. _

They were midway through the flight when he announced it. He tried his best to keep his voice calm and controlled, not wanting to let any of the emotion cloud it.

A silence followed, glances exchanged amongst the team, which although appeared to be shock, were more likely carefully masked happiness, despite the overwhelming sadness and unease left by the case.

Gideon however, did not exchange looks like the rest of the team, instead favouring a knowing look at Hotch, revealing he was fully aware of the situation, as always, despite Hotch having done his best to mask it.

Hotch turned back to the resignation letter that he had been writing, almost finishing, just needing him to sign his name, and hand it away.

He had kind of hoped that at least one of them would have immediately turned to him, asked him not to leave, said that they wanted him to stay, even though it was a lie, even though he wasn’t really wanted there.

But no, instead, it was just silence.

That was until Morgan broke it.

“What the hell man?”

Hotch looked up again, raising one eyebrow, and silently questioning what was unclear about what he had said.

“I am resigning from my position as Unit Chief. It has yet to be discussed, however at this point, I am planning on transferring to another division.”

“Yeah, I think we all got that, but why’d you wanna leave?” Morgan asked, apparently trying to make Hotch spell it out, to make him break. He probably deserved it - karma, revenge, justice, whatever one wanted to call it, for what he did in Chicago, for the way he was in general.

Hotch tried to keep his head level, his facial expressions calm.

“Haley wants me to be home more, for Jack, and regardless, I believe it will be more beneficial to the team to have someone else in my position.”

It wasn’t a lie, none of it was lies - Haley did want him home more, but with the mysterious phone calls she could never answer in front of him, all the secretiveness, he wasn’t sure that he wanted to be there. And anyways, this job was what made it possible for him to be a good father. Jack would remember very little from his age, but his dad was a hero, who saved the good guys and beat the bad guys. While he was away, he could be that man. But if he were home? Well he ran the risk of becoming far too much like his own father.

But he would do it, it would make Haley happy, temporarily even, and he did desperately want for her to be happy.

And Hotch did believe, he knew even, that the team would do better off without him, without a narcissist, a drill sergeant, a bully and a misogynist. He just wished Morgan would drop this oblivious act. It wasn’t like him, and didn’t suit him either.

“Beneficial to the team? What do you mean by that?” 

So clearly it wasn’t enough for just Morgan to do it, Prentiss had to join in on it as well. Couldn’t they just be happy that he was leaving, rather than electing to try and humiliate him instead?

“I think that under other leadership, that this team will be able to be much more successful. You are all brilliant agents, and as your unit chief it is my prerogative to ensure that you, and the unit as a whole, are doing the best job you can, even if that means me leaving my position.”

Once again, there was not a single lie in what he said. It was his job to act in the team’s best interests. They would all be happier if he was gone, and that would make them a better team.

He didn’t voice it, but it was self-serving, largely. He couldn’t stand knowing that he would be annoying and upsetting those who he considered family. He could do right by this family, even if he had failed his others, beginning with his father, mother and brother when he was younger, and now Haley and Jack.

Acting in a way so self-centered? Definitely proving the ways he could be perceived as narcissistic. Maybe they could overlook that, just this once, not call him out on it, because at least it was going to make them happy.

Not that he held out any great hope of that happening - Prentiss and Morgan had both felt the need to attempt to humiliate him, make him show how weak he was, how horrible he was, and it wasn’t long before JJ would likely join in too, still trying to hold on to her rage instead of dealing with all that had happened. He just hoped that Gideon would keep quiet, and tried his best to be optimistic that maybe Spencer would stay silent too, still reeling from his kidnapping.

Morgan once again was the one to speak up, seeming the most committed to this cause, to maximising Hotch’s pain. Couldn’t he just be grateful Hotch was leaving?

“Really, Hotch, what are you on about, the team being better without you?”

Hotch was fed up, reaching the point where he was going to yell or cry, and he couldn’t cry, not on this jet, not in front of the team, not when there was nowhere to hide. They hated him enough without him acting weak, like a baby. He shouldn’t be the hurt one here, not after all Reid had just been through.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about, you all do, so we can stop discussing this now.”

Morgan looked momentarily taken aback, confused, but that was quickly replaced by the man’s growing anger.

Surprisingly, however, before he could start, another voice cut in.

“You are really leaving, Hotch? Why?”

Reid. It was the first time he had really spoken on the trip back, still struggling with what had just happened to him.

It seemed odd that he would join in, especially given his state - not particularly one for joking or humiliation. And he definitely knew, no doubt about it, given he was the one who called him a narcissist, started this… spiral, even if it wasn’t his fault, given the circumstances.

But it was the final straw for Hotch. His eyes, despite his desperate attempts to remain stoic, were beginning to well with tears.

_ Really, boy,  _ his father's voice said in his head,  _ stop crying. It’s weak, and Hotchner men aren’t weak. _

“I- I- I can’t-”

He couldn’t even get his words out properly. He tried to get up and rush to the bathroom, the only remotely private space on the small jet, but he seemed to have lost control over his legs.

His breathing sped up as Hotch began to hyperventilate, slowly becoming unaware of all that was around him, trapped in his own mind. All he could think about was how much the team hated him, how they didn’t want him, but they couldn’t even admit it. He had hoped they would respect him at least enough for a bit of honesty.

When he heard a voice telling him to calm his breathing down, at first, he was barely aware of it, but began to latch onto it as his tether to reality, as he tried to keep breathing in and out.

As everything slowed back down, as the world became real again, he opened his eyes to see most of the team either standing or sitting next to him, with those that weren’t, looking on from their positions.

_ Oh shit,  _ he realised,  _ the whole team just saw me have some type of panic attack. _

He was embarrassed, very much so. He just wanted this flight to be over, to hand in his resignation, to leave the BAU. Well he didn’t want to leave the BAU, but he would. And at least it would mark the end of him humiliating himself in front of the team.

“Hotch, are you okay?”

His fuzzy brain took a while to properly compute what had been said, but when he did, he turned to JJ, who had been the one to speak.

Hotch nodded, not quite trusting his own voice. It was a lie though, once again. He wasn’t alright. He couldn’t be. Not until he got better. Not until he fixed himself.

“Come on, there is no use lying to us, we are profilers. You can trust us.”

Prentiss. The irony of  _ her _ telling  _ him _ about trusting people after so recently having criticised him in that regard. His face soured slightly as he thought of it.

A look of realisation seemed to dawn on her face, and Hotch damned himself for likely giving it away. Why could they not have just left it alone?

“Hotch, I’m-- I didn’t--”

He tried to muster up as much strength as he could, so he could speak clearly and firmly as he normally would.

“Leave it. It’s fine.”

It wasn’t but he hoped she would drop it.

“No it’s not. That was not fair of me to say, and you will not be leaving the team because of it.”

Prentiss looked back to the team, ensuring that they all realised what was happening.

“It isn't women you don’t trust, it’s me. You had every right not to trust me, you still do. It isn’t your fault that you didn’t trust me because Strauss didn’t ask your approval. You were, are, trying to protect this team, and as I’ve become more of a part of it, I've grown to understand and appreciate that. You care for us all so much.”

He was shocked by her words. So shocked that he didn’t even get the chance to begin to speak by the time Morgan too had started speaking.

“Yeah man, you make sure to work us hard, but you are always reasonable and fair and never push us beyond what we can achieve, even if sometimes that means working yourself to the limits. You’re a good boss, Hotch, and you make us better.”

Hotch was perplexed by what they were all saying, the contradiction to what they said earlier, what he knew to be true, but at the same time, they didn’t particularly seem to be lying either, based on his assessment. He couldn’t believe it though, because then what if he was wrong, and lost it all again.

“You really don’t need to do this. It’s okay. I’ll still leave the team. It’s unnecessary to do the whole false niceties, I’d rather just leave quietly.”

Prentiss and Morgan looked at each other, seemingly exasperated by what he said, but before they could say anything to the matter, JJ cut in.

“I didn’t mean what I said earlier, calling you a bully - you are one of the best people I know. You just… you asked us to tell you the worst thing about you, and I was so angry with myself, with Hankel, with the whole situation, so when you gave the perfect opportunity for me to take out my anger, I did.”

Hotch shook his head, still stubbornly refusing to believe what he was hearing - it couldn’t be true.

“You don’t have to lie to try and make me feel better! I know it's true, so please, just drop it.”

Even Spencer, despite not having been there, and being quite out of it after the traumatic events that had just occurred, seemed to have caught on to what had happened, softly piping up.

“Hotch, I hope you know that I don’t think you’re a narcissist. I just had to get your attention, and I knew you would be able to save me. Please don’t leave.”

At the heartbroken look in the boy’s eyes, faced with the reality of Hotch leaving, he realised that maybe he wasn’t as hated as he thought. Maybe what they were saying had a bit of truth, his interpretation of their body language and tone wasn’t deceiving him.

Suddenly, he was faced with Garcia, who had been surprisingly quiet throughout the ordeal. Her eyes were glossy, shining with yet to be shed tears, possibly from the thought of him leaving. Despite her nature, and her lack of a comment in Hankel’s house, Hotch was shocked by the display.

“Bossman! You can’t leave! I won’t let you! And I hope that you know that we all very much love and appreciate you, and that we want you around so much and we love your rare sense of humor and your-”

The words of the technical analyst were quickly muffled as she awkwardly reached down to give him some sort of hug, as he sat in the chair. The awkward positioning quickly made him shift out, but it felt so nice to have someone want to touch him, want to hug him, without a non-permanently fatal experience.

He allowed himself to smile a rare dimpled grin, despite the tear tracks that had dried on his face and the blurriness of his head following his panic attack. Hotch stood up, allowing Garcia to once again pull him into a hug.

Garcia then began to pull others into the hug, until all bar Gideon, who was still sitting on his own, silently observing the rest of the team, were involved. Hotch couldn’t help but laugh at the situation - there he was, at the centre of the most awkward group hug ever, thanks to the confined space of the jet, but nonetheless happier than he had been in days.

“So you’re not leaving?” Spencer quietly asked as they began to pull out of the hug, and Hotch quickly confirmed. 

“Not if you all don’t want me to.”

Being there, with the people he considered family, being wanted by them, he truly couldn’t have asked for more. It was enough to make him forget about his father, forget about his fears, his cheating wife, how he was failing his son, if even just for a moment.

The atmosphere felt lighter, like he could properly breathe for the first time in years, and he loved it, loved no longer being a failure, no longer disappointing everyone that he loved.

The icing on the cake was when Gideon smiled at Hotch in his knowing way, as though he never doubted everything would turn out in the way it had. That smile made him feel like maybe despite the myriad of criticisms Gideon and the others may have of him, maybe they didn’t make him completely unlovable, unwantable, or useless. 

Maybe they could love him despite his flaws, in a way that he wasn’t able to do himself, not yet anyway. Maybe he was a narcissist, a bully, a drill sergeant, a misogynist. Maybe he wasn’t. But maybe it didn’t matter, not this time, not with them.

Because right there, with his team, Aaron Hotchner was wanted. He was loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave comments and/or kudos if you enjoyed!

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed! please leave comments and kudos to let me know what you think!


End file.
